Heavy, Deep & Real ministries

I’m sitting here in a hotel room at the Oregon Coast watching the waves cover a rocky patch on the beach. Nice to get away – no noise but the waves coming in and out and the thoughts in my head.

I’m supposed to take a sabbatical away from my ministry a couple times a year – I’m lucky if I get one in every 18 months. It’s mostly due to me not wanting to be away from my wife, dogs, and ministry. However, it is REALLY important for me to get several days alone with God to wrestle with Him about all the things going on in my life – real quality time without the distractions of home.

That said, I was doing a little research this morning on an issue God and I were discussing and came across a line that really stopped me. The article was talking about negative self-talk and then said that it is “inner child abuse.”

Whoa!

Inner Child Abuse!

I have a TON of negative self-talk. Most of us do but if you’ve suffered child abuse or any kind of abuse (especially emotional abuse), your inner voice will be extremely negative. What I never thought about is that that voice is actually continuing the emotional abuse and retraumatizing me over and over and over again.

Sure, my wife has been after me for decades about my negative self-talk. What’s funny is I don’t have self-esteem or really self-worth issues. I know that I’m Supermann (extra n added on purpose!) and I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to. As a friend of mine’s seven-year-old daughter said recently, “I’ve got a big brain.”

Yet, my inner monologue is brutal.

The question I’m asking myself this fine morning as the warm sea breeze blows in and the seagulls appear to be floating effortlessly is why? Why do I have such negative talk about myself when I actually don’t feel negatively about myself? It’s a bit weird.

So, allow me to use this blog to process a bit – perhaps you can process along with me if you engage in negative self-talk as well.

We all know that Negative Self-Talk (NST) comes from others treating us negatively – especially others speaking to us negatively. During our childhood development phases, how people talk to us sets patterns in our brain. It affects our attachment styles and our self-view of ourselves.

In my case, I had a lot of negative input at critical times in my life. When I was very young (0-3 lets say), my dad reportedly was a screamer. I have three older sisters (may they rest in peace) who told me stories about my dad – he never hit them, but he raised his voice in ways that they said scared them. As a baby/toddler I am sure that those negative words he said affected how I saw things.

After that I lived with my very German grandparents. My dad had gone to prison and my mom was paralyzed with Multiple Sclerosis so we had to separate from my sisters (who went to various uncles to live) and my mom and I ended up in Florida with her folks. To say that Germans are not the warmest people would be an understatement. I have two VERY distinct memories from that time – I once spilled milk and the reaction was if I had invaded the Vaterland! Then the first time they took me to get a haircut I freaked out and wouldn’t get out of the car. Apparently spanking and yelling at a terrified child is the German way of getting compliance!

Then there was this particular foster home I was in when dad went back to prison (he did a lot of time in short 2-3 year bursts). That family had an abusive alcoholic father who beat his wife, threatened the kids, and was extremely violent in his language. No fun…

I did have foster homes where they were supportive of my sports, band, and other activities, but I think the dye was cast from all the negative. Oh, the bullying in school didn’t help either. Being a foster kid whose dad was in jail, being on the free meal program, and having a big Jewish nose didn’t help!

To be honest, though, I used all that NST and anger to drive myself to break the patterns of my family. I was told I’d be just like my old man. I’m not – in fact I am the exact opposite. He was an alcoholic, womanizing, pedophile, narcisstic, conman, felon. I don’t drink (sober 29 years), I don’t smoke, I’ve been in a marriage for 32 years (more than 35 years together), and I don’t break the law! You can say I broke the family cycle! Yay me!

But I do drive myself with all that NST and anger! When I was young I thought it was what made me successful against all odds! Today as I sit here typing I’m not so sure.

I read another article this morning that said that when we were young and going through our stuff, we needed to use our NST and anger for survival! I absolutely agree with that! When you are struggling just to make it to the next day you use anything you possibly can to make it work.

However, I’m a grown adult now – why am I still dogging myself as if I need that kind of motivation?

Truth be told I don’t.

But it is so comfortable – kind of like the old friends in whom you can confide everything. It is a set pattern in my brain that is so automatic I rarely even think about it when it starts yammering at me!

Yet it is dysfunctional because it lies.

• I’m not an idiot even when I do “stupid” things
• I’m not unlovable even when I act in unlovable ways
• I’m not a coward even when I feel the tinge of fear
• I’m not broken even though my C-PTSD brain does broken stuff
• I’m not a lousy husband even though I struggle with relationship and attachment
• I’m not less of a man because I am disabled and can’t do what I used to be able to do physically
• I’m not ugly even though I’m no-one’s Brad Pitt
• I’m not disappointing God because of my struggles; God loves me right where I am at even though He loves me too much to let me stay here!

I wrote a note to myself this morning that I have to lean into some things. They include:

• It’s always well with my soul – God’s got me so I have nothing really to worry about
• I’m really okay no matter what happens – I’m secure physically, mentally, spiritually emotionally, materially and financially
• Manage my expectation to meet reality and I won’t be disappointed
• Don’t believe the NST – see it from a third-eye view and begin to develop new thought patterns
• Stop abusing yourself! That part of your life is over. The only person who can abuse you is you!

The tide has come in and covered the rocky shore with only the largest rocks still standing defiantly against the waves, peering over their smaller friends now beneath the waves.

Sometimes I feels like those larger rocks – the waves are rolling in crashing against me yet I defiantly staring them down refusing to go under even as the waves crash over me, soaking me with their heavy weight and cold wash.

This concept of an inner child abuser in my head is heavy. It’s heavy because I think it is true. It’s heavy because I’ve been doing it all my life. It’s heavy because my logical brain knows it needs to stop and how to stop it, but my emotional brain can’t let it go.

Good thing I have another three days here to look out this window and silently stare into God’s incredible creation as I wrestle with Him about how to have the Holy Spirit transform this ugliness in me into something beautiful.

How about you? Struggling with the same thing or is it just me? What’s your plan?